Calm

Dear Jaymi Viktoria,

I may never truly know the reason behind the failure of our first court date and the week we spent in despair believing that we would never be able to bring your home, never see you again.  I can however speculate, and focus on the good that I have seen come from those times of trial and sadness.  The most important to me being the single, short hour and a half visit we had with you on our last trip.  We waited for you in a small office while you finished juice time with your group.  You walked in with a big smile on your face and ran to daddy and gave him a big hug and let him hold you and tickle you.   In that short visit, this mama's heart was calmed and many fears of bringing you home were washed away.  A confirmation that you were ours, you were always meant to be ours and you will always be our little girl.  I cannot tell you how much I needed that.  Thank you for showing me the way little love.  In 36 days we will pick you up from your children's home, dress you in your very own new clothes, walk with you hand in hand outside those gates and bring you home forever.  There is a great big world full of lots of love awaiting you.  Two small little girls at home that will be your best friends forever.  It may be a little bit late, but you will be the BEST, most very SPECIAL Christmas gift our family will ever receive.  See you soon, we are counting the days, the hours, the minutes!

Love Mommy

She's Ours!

Introducing Miss Jaymi Viktoria Bonner!  

Our court hearing went very well!  It was a very special day to hear the judge say that she granted our petition to adopt Viktoria.  We still haven't decided what we will call her, but her nickname is Vika (Vee-Ka) and she goes by that now.  We are so so happy to call her OUR DAUGHTER!  We will go back in January to bring her home forever.  In the mean time we will get everything ready for her to join our family.  Thanks for all your prayers, they were answered!

National Adoption Month

I did not want this month to pass by without writing a post in honor of November being National Adoption Month.  It still feels almost unreal that we are nearing the end of this process, that we ever even began this process.  Our adoption is very different from what I envisioned adoption in general being, before we began this journey.  Adoption is hard.  Plain and simple.  It's scary and at times painful.  It requires sacrifice and immense patience.  It's humbling and at times heart wrenching.  Like anything of great value in this life, it is worth all of it.  It changes the way you see the world.  We have seen so much good come from this experience, so much love and support from those around us and even complete strangers.  They have helped to lift us up when things got hard.  Kind words, letters in the mail with sweet notes and donations, neighbor children selling candy after school and bringing us their profits because they want Victoria home so they can play with her.  So humbling.  It has increased our desire to give of ourselves, our means and our love to other because of the beautiful examples we have seen step forward to help us.  We are not the only ones sacrificing to bring this little girl home.  So many of you are helping to make this all possible and we will forever be indebted to you for your contributions.   Thank you for your kindness, thank you for your love.  Adoption truly is love, a kind of love we had never experienced until now.  A love that reminds us that we are all God's children and that he loves each of us, no matter our circumstance.  I see him smiling down on us when we work together to make wonderful things happen in the lives of his children.  I feel privileged to be on this journey.

If anyone reading this is considering undertaking adoption of this kind, my advice would be to remember that you will not be alone.  There are so many people out there that will step forward and support you if you give them a chance.  People want to help, the just need to be given the opportunity.  Let God lead you through this process and trust that he will not leave you alone in such an endeavor.  I know we will need his help even more once we get Victoria home, to help us all transition in our new life together, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will help us through it.  No, adoption is not easy, I knew it wouldn't be, and it is even harder than I thought it would be, but it is even more rewarding than I could have imagined.  It has forever changed me for the better, it has taught me eternal lessons that I would have missed out on if I pushed away the promptings I had almost a year ago.

When I wake up we will be heading out on our third trip to Victoria's country.  We will go before the judge again and pray that all is in order for our hearing to proceed and that we can finally plead our case for adopting this precious little girl.  We would love if you will join us in prayer that all will go smoothly.  Can't wait to see Victoria again, watch the video below and you will see why, she is amazing.

The Details

Dear Victoria,

I was just going to write this particular experience down in my journal, but I decided that it needs to be on your blog.  I don't want to forget it, because I'm certain I will need to look back on it at another time and remember it.

A week and a half ago was fast and testimony meeting at church.  We have this meeting the first Sunday of every week and during our Sacrament meeting anyone can go up and bare their testimony.  We were fasting for you and our adoption and all day I had been thinking about some things related to that.  About the lessons that I have learned about faith and trust in God throughout this past year.  As I sat in the meeting I felt like I was suppose to get up and say a few things.  I wasn't quite sure what I should say, but I just felt like someone there needed to hear something I had to say.  The prompting was so strong I couldn't push it away and I walked to the front of the chapel.  I began by saying that I didn't know what I was suppose to say and just hoped that the spirit would prompt me as I spoke.

I don't remember a lot of what I said, but I'll write down what I do remember.  I said that even though we didn't know what was going to happen at this point in our adoption I just felt such peace in knowing that it was in Heavenly Father's hands.  That I had learned so much about the power of faith and prayer in our lives.  That many of the things we do are guided and led by Heavenly Father and that we need to trust that he will provide a way.  I wish I could remember more...

This was before some major things started to unfold in our case, before I had any idea of what news was coming our way in the following days.  During the following week, as we became aware of what was going on my heart began to break.  I had to constantly remind myself to TRUST IN GOD and remember that we are in his hands.  That you are in his hands.  That whatever was best for you would happen.  It was very scary and confusing and I wish I could say I did not let my faith waver, but it did at times.  When those moments of uncertainty and fear began to set in I would think back to the prior Sunday, to my testimony.  It didn't take long to know that the things I said then were for me to hear.  So that when the testing and trial came, I could remember how I felt, what I believed.  By saying them out loud, in front of my friends and neighbors, they were etched in my mind even more that they would have been if I had kept them inside.  There were times I would think, "Why did I get up and say that, things were so simple at that moment and now they are so complicated".  I was almost mad at myself for saying them, but then a loving Heavenly Father wrapped his arms around me and reminded me that I said them because they were true.  He has proven to us so many times this past year that he is here and that we can trust him.

I will forever look back on this experience and know, truly know that he is in "the details of our lives", no matter how BIG or small they may be.   That he will answer prayers and heal our hearts.  Our plane tickets are booked, new visa's are ordered, we will be on our way to you in 2 1/2 weeks!  I'm so excited to see you!

Love Mommy

The Biggest Miracle Yet

Dearest Victoria,

This past week has been incredibly difficult.  One of the hardest weeks of my life.  I haven't told you a lot of what has been going on since we left you last, its been very complicated and got more and more complicated each day. It was starting to look like we were no longer going to be able to bring you home, ever.  In fact it would truly take a miracle for things to change, they were almost certain.  Oh how my heart ached, it was so much like when my daughter Kaelyn was so sick and we didn't know if she would be able to survive.  I was so sad, so very sad.  I kept reminding myself to trust in Heavenly Father and in his plan for you and us, but it was so hard.

This morning I got up very early to go exercise and when I got home I was in the shower thinking about things.  I wanted so badly to picture things working out the way we have always hoped, but it truly felt insurmountable.  I wouldn't let myself go there because I knew it would make the news I had started to expect, that we would have to let you go, even more devastating   While I was in the shower we received a call from our agency, the minute I got out your dad came and gave me a big hug with a smile on his face.  Yes, YOUR DAD.  The releases for us to adopt you were signed today, we will be going back to court in a few weeks, this time with all the necessary paperwork.

There is so much more to this story, more than I feel able to share on your blog at this time, but eventually I will. You are so loved little girl, so very loved.  If I have learned anything from this heart-wrenching experience it's how much I love you, how much your daddy loves you.  The thought of never seeing you again, not having you as part of our family was almost too much to bare.  It took us to a very sad place.  I will cherish you even more now than I could have ever before this.  There is no doubt in my mind that this has come about due to many answered prayers.  God is working miracles, its true.  He loves you and he loves us.  He loves all his children, more than we will ever know.  Today is a very special day.

Love Mommy

Patience

Dear Victoria,

We are still waiting for word from your country as to when we can come back for our court hearing.  One of the social workers that needs to do the work is on sick leave and so we have to wait until she is back to work.  Until then I will continue to obsessively check my email every few hours waiting for word.  Patience, patience, patience.

Love Mommy

Trip 2

Dearest Victoria,

We are back home and happy that we were able to have two great visits with you while we were in your country.  It was so exciting to see you and for you to show us that you did remember us.  When we were leaving after our last visit you were waving and blowing us kisses, it was so sweet.  We were also able to get our medical appointments done while we were there.  We were very lucky to be there at the same time as another mamma who is adopting a little girl with Down syndrome in your country.  We are the first two families to adopt children with Ds in your country and we are definitely blazing new trails.

So our day at court did not go as planned and we are sad to report that we had to re-schedule our court date due to some missing paperwork.  It was a hard day as we sat there and saw what unfolded in the court room and that we would not be able to bring you home as soon as we had hoped.  For now we have another court date next week, but we will have to wait a few more days to see if it is possible to gather the missing paperwork by then.

We are trying to be as positive as we can and trust that we will see the reason this has happened when we look back.  We are praying that Heavenly Father will help those in your country that are working day and night to make this happen.

Here are some of the pictures that we took in our visits with you.

Heading out to our spot

You loved to sift through the fallen leaves and pick out the perfect ones to put in our pockets.

Playing with the matching game Aunt Wendy sent with us.

The play dough didn't go over too well.  When I handed it to you, you took a big bite out of it.  Ha ha

Love Mommy

Faith

Dearest Victoria,

We will be on our way to see you again in less than two weeks!  I knew this time would fly by and it has. I want to share something with you and have it written down so that I remember it.  The last week has been a bit difficult as your country is going through some changes in their adoption laws and it is requiring more paperwork/procedures for us.  Also there is hesitation coming from people from your orphanage as they don't understand why we would want to adopt a child that has Down syndrome.  They do not understand why it is so important for you to have a family to love and care for you.  The opportunity to shine and be seen by the world.  In their culture they believe that children with special needs, need to be under the care of nurses in an institution.  We are breaking new ground and trying to show them how you will thrive being part of a family and going to school.

As these new requirements have developed I started feeling very anxious and worried about our court date coming up.  I thought of everything that could possibly go wrong and felt helpless and scared.  Thank goodness for your Dad because he reminded me of a talk given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, a leader in the LDS church, that I feel was written just for me.  Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence  He talks about personal revelation and tells how the story of Moses parting the Red Sea is a great example of revelation.  He was doing what the Lord asked of him in leading the Children of Israel out of bondage, but still came upon obstacles in the process.  Even when it seemed so impossible when they were surrounded and faced the Red Sea in their path, the Lord provided.  Miraculously the Sea parted and they were able to escape and Moses was able to lead them through it.  This was all possible because the Lord was helping him.

"Moses' message to you today is, "Don't let your guard down." Don't assume that a great revelation, some marvelous illuminating moment, or the opening of an inspired path is the end of it. Remember, it isn't over until it's over."

We are continually being reminded that Heavenly Father is paving the way before us and even when set backs come we must remember that He is still here, orchestrating this journey.

"I wish to encourage every one of you today regarding opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose. "

"After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, "go forward." Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord was doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, "Brethren [and, I would add, sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" (D&C 128:22)."

"The third lesson from the Lord's spirit of revelation in the miracle of the crossing of the Red Sea is that, along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it."

I'm trying really hard to strengthen my faith and remember that yes, Heavenly Father did tell me and your dad that adopting you was right and so we must continue to remember that and the many miracles that have gotten us this far.  He will not leave us now, He is with us to the end, and will goon even after you are home with us.  

The lesson in Relief Society on Sunday was also very valuable to us at this time.  I would like to share of few excerpts from it, the title is "The Strengthening Power of Faith", by President George Albert Smith, a past prophet of our church.

"Faith is a gift from the Lord through which the righteous are empowered to do remarkable things"

"It is this principle, my brethren and sisters, that points us heavenward, that gives us hope in the battle of life.  When we become confused, and find ourselves confronted by obstacles we seemingly, cannot overcome, having faith in the Redeemer of the world, we can go to Him and know that our prayers will be answered for our good."

"Now remember, give the Lord a chance.  You are going to ask a favor.  Give the Lord a chance.  Ask him to open the way."

"The Lord has a way of accomplishing things that we are unable to do, and never asks us to do anything that he does not make the way possible.  That is what he told us through Nephi.  He will not require anything without preparing the way."

"If you have something that the Lord asks or expects you to do and you don't know just how to proceed, do your best.  Move in the direction that you ought to go; trust the Lord, give him a chance, and he will never fail you.  

"What a wonderful thing it is to know that we can if we will hold our Heavenly Father's hand and be guided by him."

We will do as Elder Holland and President Smith advised by GOING FORWARD, doing our best, and trusting that the Lord will make up the difference.  We know that many people will be praying for us as we go before the judge and that her heart and the others making decisions in your country will understand why we want you in our family.  Why we would go such great lengths to get you.  You are worth it!  You are a daughter of God and He has a plan for your life.  We are so blessed to be a part of that plan.  I can't wait to see you!  I'll be counting the days until we meet again.

Love Mommy

It won't be long until you are part of this picture!

Court Date

Dear Victoria,

WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!  We will be coming back to your country the end of September and will get to see you again.  Then on October 1st we will meet with the Judge and go over everything and explain why we want to adopt you.  We are so excited that we finally have court date and plane tickets to come back to see you again and keep the ball rolling.  If everything goes well in court we will just have to wait 30 days to bring you home.  We will come back home, get everything together and ready for you and then be on our way to come and get you!  Can you believe it? There is an end in sight :)

Love Mommy

Court Paperwork

Dear Victoria,

We have been busy the last month since we saw you.  We had lots of documents to gather and prepare in order to submit for a court date in your country.  We were very happy to get it all together and mailed to your country this week!  Now we get to play the waiting game again.  We are hoping to get back to see you and for our court trial in September.  In the mean time we will be studying and preparing to go before the judge to plead our case for adopting you.  We are learning that up until this point there has never been a child with Down syndrome adopted in your city.  I really can't believe that and it just breaks my heart.  There were so many sweet children with Down syndrome in your orphanage.  I'm hoping that we can prove to the judge and other officials there that we can care for you and provide you with a family and a life that will help you reach your greatest potential.  We can't wait to get you home and see you soar.

Our good friends that use to be our next door neighbor are doing a fundraiser for you this coming Saturday, August 4th.   We would love if anyone living close by could help us spread the word.

Love Mommy

Visit #4

Dear Victoria,

I'm finally getting around to posting about our 4th visit with you.  It was magical.  It was like you figured out we were there just. for. you.   You were so much more excited to see us, and when you spotted us down the road you let go of your teachers hand and ran to us.  You even tried testing the waters to see what you could get away with us :)  Snatching my packet of gum and some other fun things.  Somehow you figured out you could get away with more with me, so hopefully you don't remember that when we come home :)  You are so curious and are going to have so many things to check out when we get you home.  Good thing I've been running a lot this summer, I'm going to need to be in shape to keep up with you and yours sisters.

You loved the little bow that we brought you from home and had me put it right in your hair.

After our wonderful visit we walked you up to your room and you were so excited to take the toys we brought into your class.  You filled your hands with everything you could and busted through the door holding them above you head.  The other kids went wild with excitement.  It was so cute!  It was definitely hard to walk away from the orphanage that day, knowing that we wouldn't be coming back the next day, and that you would be expecting us.  The social worker promised to take our book of family pictures into you everyday and look through them with you so you don't forget us.  Its been so reassuring knowing that you will be well taken care of while we are away.

I stayed up late the other night compiling your pictures into a little video.  I'm going to put it on the iPad so your sisters can watch it lots and get to know you!  We love you so muh and can't wait till we get to come back to see you again!

Love Mommy

Visit #3

Dear Kaelyn & Bryn,

I was happy to hear that you both had a good day today and that you slept all through the night for Tiffany.  I'm sure you are having so much fun!  Thanks for being such good girls so that Daddy and I could make this trip to meet Victoria.

Today was another great day with her.  It was so fun to watch her walk up the sidewalk towards us.  She had the cutest little pony tail right on top of her head.  She came up and gave us both hugs and then went straight for the backpack.  She was excited to see the baby doll that we brought her, and was able to take it back to her room with her when it was time for us to leave.  She was much more silly today and we are all feeling more comfortable with each other.  There were a few times that she let our the cutest little laughs, I will have to post a video when we get home.

I can't believe tomorrow is our last visit and then we come home on Saturday.  Its not going to be easy to walk away from her orphanage at the end of our visit, but I just keep telling myself that its all part of the plan.  We will get home and quickly gather the remainder of our paperwork so we can get back here for court as soon as possible.

Little Victoria has learned that she has us both wrapped around her little fingers.  She would walk from one end of the playground to the other just to see us follow her.  Then she would tell us to sit down next to her.  One time she even climbed up on my lap and we got some great pictures of her.  We did some spins around and around, just the way you like it Kaelyn.  She was so happy, she smiled more today than the other two days combined.  She is so curious about the world around her, she is going to have so much to keep her busy when we finally get her home.  I can't wait to show her this big beautiful world!

See you soon girls,

Love Mommy